Random ramblings…
Lust and greed,
temptations creep
Fling with satan,
embracing manipulation
Intense emotional struggle,
lust or logic
Desires of flesh,
overwhelms sanity
The devil’s temptation,
overpowers me
Frozen heart thawed,
i succumb
Clap of thunder,
realisation dawns
Crime of passion,
harsh punishment
Fear is within,
hungry regrets
Bowing to devil,
goodbye soul
The lullabies that soothe my soul, placate my wrecked mind and ultimately, transport me to the phantasm of beyond…. No doubt, they are just scribes and reproductions of my epileptic seizures of grief and dismay yet, when i am fervently scrawling , my pent up despondency vanished…. Plain words, simple morphemes they might be but they imprison my soul and regurgitate my wrath….
——————————————————————————–
Look into the mirror, Tell me you didnt err. Many a times, u said you would try, But how many times did u not tell a lie, So its time to say goodbye, I dont give a shit even if u cry.
——————————————————————————-
A million thoughts ran through my mind,
hoping u could tell me why,
Because of you i cried myself dry,
Whispers of death seemed to make me fly,
just when i thought our love rhymed,
Damn you had to commit that crime,
saying sorry doesnt make all things fine,
So I aint gonna stop and whine,
because i am gonna climb so high,
and one day you will look back and cry
………………………………………………………………………..
PS: Blah blah blah…
At that very instant, I wished my sight was taken away from me..For a split second, i thought god played a pernicious joke on me…Anxiety and doldrum took over the reins of my usual composed self, i yelped and ran out of the restaurant, pulling poor Sherie with me.When my eyes met his.. A million thoughts ran through my befuddled mind..I stuttered, trying to explain my bizarre behavoir to my bewildered pal, then i uttered those words…She stared at me, slowly, she understood…"I’m not gonna hug you darling, i know you will break down in tears and collapse..it’s over, really it is…Half a year has passed by.. you have to get a grip on yourself..please dont do anything stupid..its not worth it..not now, not here, just remember we are here, supporting you always."Nonetheless…I metamorphosized into a zombie hours later, blurred images of alcohol,cigarettes,intoxicated pals on the dance floor whizzed past but only the sole memory of that episode remained crystal clear…
……..24 hours later, Only in the state of unconciousness, do i actually experience muted pain..Empty bottles of wine, junk food and books littered my boudoir…The thirst to pollute my body with alcohol and calorie-laden food reached beyond my threshold…Never have i bawl with such agony, i simply could not banish that sight out of my mind.
Isolated My wretched soul tormented Reminiscing Your presence went missing
Cold Agony of mind freezes my soul
Darkness immortalised my mind Phantom of gloom i become Seconds ticked by Grief and hate collide I greet death with open arms
………………………………………………………………………
The alluring mask that i exhibit , the zeal and ardor that i display everyday, i am a true thespian it seems…
Many failed attempts, by those, who tried to yank the mask off..I scoff at their valiant efforts.
Few days ago, by some miracle, i encountered , hmmm, actually, a passer-by, honestly, i m at a loss for words… His existence mirrored my depression, i dig his wit but i cringe at his lacklustre thirst for happiness.. His cyncism and disdain towards life goes in sync with my philosophy of life and death..Yet, despite our uncanny similarities, all came to a naught… We engaged in splendid before bedtime conversations and we could talk till dawn about everything and anything. She says, he says, they say… Now we are strangers… To you: it doesnt matter what they say…Maybe its all a charade to you, maybe its not..Remember what i always say, "things happen for a reason" Therefore…Thank you, really, for allowing me to anknowledge the fact that i am not all that eccentric and manic depressive…I still marvelled at the way we met, haha, your sarcastic gibes at my lit knowledge, your initial mistaken notion of my shallow self, i was soo peeved by your mockery of my intelligence and with that sneer of yours,we got aquainted…Describing it as a whirlwind romance seemed too overwhelmingly hasty and inappropriate…I am indeed disappointed that the tenacity of this friendship couldnt withstand those depthless, trivial words from hmm, them… I reckoned we both came to a conclusion that, we are at a juncture whereby, we chose the road of retreating back into our comfort zone, instead of coming out and baring our wounds. Whatever the rumours are, i chose to believe with my heart that your appearance was not of a conniving, deceitful nature but of a purely unintentional chance of bumping into a fellow lit lover. A kismet of jaded dreams and hopes…
This is my gift to you, that day, i mentioned to you i left the card on the table and it slipped my mind..This was what i wrote on the card…
ALONE From childhood’s hour I have not been
Yes, its a poem by Poe…
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
"No one who had never been depressed like me could imagine that the pain could get so bad that death became a star to hitch up to, a fantasy of peace someday which seemed better than any life with all this noise in my head."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I’m still reeling fr the tranche de vie of the movie, Prozac Nation…The realistic representation of manic depressive individuals and how they resist(or succumb) to death by popping valium and prozac …All these spectacularly factual graphics are no stanger to me, i have personally sailed thru the stormy seas of manic depression before.. The notion of committing suicide serves to be a taboo to most, as presented negatively in my previous entry..Buying a one way ticket to hell because your beau walked away fr ya or tht he/she screwed someone simply echoes one’s virtue or the lack of it…Yet if one’s disposition is to greet the grim reaper due to psychiatric disabilities, will it be considered a neccessary obliteration of life to gain entry to the empyrean of the pearly gates beyond?Not trying to advocate nagative morals here but after exposing myself to OCD & manic depression, the ordeal has left me pondering over and over with regards to death and its repercussions and hw it can ultimately be justified..I have personally correlate manic depression to cancer and other terminal diseases, simply put, there is no cure..The counteractant is medication to alleviate the pain or to push the disillusion of life and happiness back to the very core of one’s troubled mind, temporary resort i would think…But hw much valium and prozac can one administer to himself?
The enigma and dubiety of this topic serves to be a motivational tool for me..I scoured thru all sorts of literary articles about depression and i m embarking on a quest, to ameliorate the agony of manic depressive patients and friends…
PS: This entry is dedicated to a friend who departed us to arcadia…We never knew he was afflicted with Bipolar…Hours before he caved in to the temptation of death, he was jesting w us about his clairvoyants w some chicks fr the bar..Then came the fateful phone call from his mom…Au Revoir dude, your lewd, prurient jokes and tht garfield mug will always be in our heart…
ONCE UPON A TIME……………
I wish to spin a tale, a fairy tale this xmas but sadly, it aint gonna be……
A facade it all seems to be, your actions, tete-a-tete,our cavorts….
Nope, i refuse to presume, and i never did expect anything outta this seemingly taboo liaison….
The sole anticipation fr this whole charade?–the despondency and perhaps, the inappropriate closure…
Digression here–i presumed wht he said wasnt a concocted, distortion of facts, then whoever u r, e one who extracted our photos illegally and created tht wretched mail, u shld be jumping with glee nw(may u be cursed to e oblivion)I nvr knew of such existence of a knavish, venal, nefarious creature!I reckon ur devious contrivance has worked its magic!God bless ur soul cos ur rotten arse is gg straight to hell!
hmmm..Neither m i irate nor irascible…i gave it my best shot..The tears has ceased to flow, the incessant grief still lingers..
……Next….
Hey John Tucker, think abt her pls…If things were to go our way, pandemonium awaits..and she will afflicted w misery…There r so many "if only"s..My advice to u, or my answer to ur question–Pursue wht ur heart yearns, dont let it be tainted with regrets…
PS: my xmas and NY resolutions???drop all those damned pounds i have accumulated this yr!Get my fair arse outta NAFA!A pair of those yummy Blahniks!contributing more to the charity!Piano lessons,oil painting classes!and…gosh..i m nt supposed to say this-THE LAST KISS**
Strange as the title might sound…but thts exactly hw i m feeling right nw..at this very instant…6.25am, birds are chirping, vehicles from the nearby highway are in full force, cluttering of pots, footsteps & clanking locks from my neighbours, departing their abodes, to work, of course….
Insomnia hits me once again, yet this time, i feel complete…The combination of overwhelming caffeine of strong chinese tea & a memsmerising, surreal novel..gosh…i can feel my senses awaken and sharpen like hw a bat can function in the dark!
Anyway…oh well, in another 24 hrs, my arse will be nicely parked at the comfortable seat on a flying machine, transporting my lonely self to Hong Kong…My virgin experience of flying alone, w/o mummy, w/o a beau, just, solely me..I desperately need to unwind, or my bipolar self will soon consume me and my frds will have to dial the mental institute if they wanna catch up w me!i swear!
Back to the subject of Murakami’s captivating novel, Dance Dance Dance tht kept my eyelids wide open like a goldfish..
I closed the book w uncontrollable sobs… tears rolled down my moisturised face..The eerie connection between me and the narrator in the novel…The resounding metaphors utilised by the author, the scenarios…The setting and era might be worlds apart for both the lead character & me but yet!!gosh!!!i m rendered speechless…
Everyone’s take on literary abstract varies as we decipher words and critiques with our own unique mentalities..My take on the book and the emotions oozing out from it?
The narrator lives his life simply by breathing, writing,eating & of course, sex..He fulfills his monetary needs by working relatively hard, basically, his mantra in life is.."if u put in enough effort in things that u do, u will get wht you want..anything more than tht, its luck.."To sum it up, he has everything..money & woman..People tht he came across are strangely spell bounded by him, nt by his charm but the vibes tht he exudes are somewht different…my first perception of the narrator was tht he is this conceited , alpha male who thinks w his other head and basically, possesses commitment issues( the way he disses his job, his disregard to money,his flaccid concerns & his insensitivity to the women in his lacklustre life) …As the pages were flipped and my mind digesting the rest of the novel, my porch light was suddenly lit w full voltages, tht he is just this vulnerable soul, attached to his seemingly confident outer shell, going thru the basic motions in life just to survive..His quest to unveil the mysteries that surround him somehow inject the human emotions that made him communicate to the world again..That is when it dawned on me, pple are not magnetised by his weird charm but because, in his thirst to solve the myseries, it gave him the courage to face reality and thus, for him to get in touch with his other humane side–to open up and connect…Idiosyncratic as it might be, with the offbeat cast of characters and mockeries of human emotions, yet it rang a bell…I m him..indeed i m…
PS: I’m nt trying to be flaky or avant garde here..neither m i announcing to the world tht i m musically inclined..in fact symphonies or orchestras used to knock me out, straight to dreamland..yet, oddly, i m entranced, enraptured by classical music…esp piano concertos, in particular, mozart…
A higglegy piggledy oct for me…Miss-understood is my other moniker…addled by e above??read on…
- abhor protocols
-zero tolerance to sperm-filled species, targeting at u!yes u!esp u!pls use ur other head to logicalize & not just assume!!!whambam***
-overdose of social lubricant & zouk—e latter mentioned seems to be my second abode…Gin tonic and tequila shots are my meal replacements…
-Anarchy of overwrought emotions—Poignant and impetuous, these two words sum up my beliefs in love–pandemonium awaits me!!
-Literati time—cooping up at libraries & borders,frolicking with proust,murakami,picoult & classics that evoke my mind….
PS:My extremely histronic and emotive heart has taken the reins over my normally level headed mind….
I m addled by the male’s cerebrum..nope!I m not sexist…HOw the male species percieve beauty..a true nonplus, disconcerted mystery..
Judging by the standards of the aneroxia invaded modelling society, moi is FAAT!!FAT!!FAT!!I m dignified w tht confession!!yeah!!!I have extra ounces of blubber swimming all over my bod…YEt!!I recieved accolades and flattery in relation to my bod..~~hw i maintained my bod despite my 10,000 cal a day diet..blah blah, blah…~~or "r u a model?"thts a total joke!!!NOPE!!this is nt a BIANCA encomium, self flattery or glorification blog entry..but more like a "how do men percieve beauty?Fat or skinny" sorta entry…
I was flipping thru e chi chi fashion mags at Borders..80% of e models r emaciated..basically, a powdered, well clad skeleton w flawless skin..yeshh…I m hardly a beauty compared to those!!my make up skills sucked!!totally allergic to foundations(so zilch powder for moi!!),nt to mention my ahem**fats**Plus!!my photoshop skills r freakin amatuerish!!i simply cant magic wand away my fats and flaws..whatcha see is whatcha get!!!
A yr plus ago..I was considered skinny(for like 3-4mths..)i developed eating disorder and something castastrophic happened then!!!right nw..i m eating(way too much!!)and yesh..i did put on **gosh those dreaded words**weight..yet..most of my peeps actually preferred me looking e way i m nw…(except my ex-agent n mom n some pricks!!!)Put it this way, voluptuous is e word darlings!!( in reality curvacious and voluptuous is equivalent to tubby/roly poly!!)
"why do u wanna be fuckin stick thin when u can carry ur curves so well!!duh u r like size 8 and u can fucking fit into a S top!!and tht boobs of urs!!they r fuckin godsend!!stop whining abt ur fuckin weight!!either u fuckin control ur junk food diet or zip it!!"quoted in verbatim fr a close guy frd of mine(who uses way too much expletives!!pardon him!!)..I dun exactly concur w him..I adore my boobs..but!!i could be thin if i wanna..u knw,cease my current gorging habits and eat like a rabbit…
Inebriated..befuddled…RIGHT!!my resolution for e mth!!curb my midnight supper habits….At worst..moi shall embark on a search!!for a guy who can grapple w my elephantine appetite!!—ermmm..I just swept off an upsized Big Mac meal w ice cream sundae and apple pie..at abt 2.30am…oops!!!
"In reality,liking someone is e least productive thing in e world. It doesnt feed u nor does it bring money to u. Sleeplessness causes loss of productivity. Acting silly all day & night. Mistaken for a mental patient. Goin thru jealous & broken heart & have "do u still believe in love?" such stinging words thrown at u.
Yet I realise, when I love someone, I knw millions of reasons for doing it!
First, u realise giving brings more happiness than recieving.
2nd, Instead of bad things, u see gd things first!
3rd, u can be a child without timemachine!
4th, u have something gd..
5th, u would knw hw beautiful e sky,stars,flowers and trees seem…"
Extract fr a movie….
Movies like tht feed my soul w love and warmed my ice cold heart w blood…Tearjerkers r good for the soul!!I reckoned!!!
K-movie–Youth comic(almost love) starring Kwon Sang Woo….
Death…a taboo subject..an anathema…the martyrdom and torment that
concatenate with death…
lives being relinquished due to ailments and failing health are inevitable..yet…some of us..able-bodied, active and unimpaired, choose to bite the dust..why?one might ponder..love..yes..his amorousness w a a girl..ceased..her incapacity to love triggered his unbalanced mind..stumbling upon his beloved w her other paramour, he broke down and went totally deranged..dangling half way off the railings at her abode..he admonished her cold heartedness..raving mad and shouting..he believed his death will end all his despondencies and agony..most of all, his impending death will bring upon guilt and anguish to the girl..fingers will be pointed to her as everyone will sentence her to a life of condemnment..
—the girl in question has in fact broke up and made her choice clear to him months ago..yet he refused to see the light.she appreciated his gestures of love and care but..she apprehends that her love for him has come to a grinding halt.she refused to eschew e truth and lie abt it, so she spoke e truth..to her horor, her honesty was greeted by lunacy and erratic behavior fr him!his abberant, irrational demeanor proved too much for her..her fears has led her to imsomanic, sleepless nights..
after pleads and tears fr the girl..he detached himself fr the ledge and he vowed tht he would seek psychiatic help..
—i m her…
i beseech to all of u guys out there..dont mull over a failed relationship!!nvr kill urself over someone who doesnt reciprocate ur love..try to envisage the hurt & malaise ur parents will feel..Your parents bequeath u a life..for u to fill it up w joy and perhaps u might fall into a ditch at times..be brave and face the adversity w courage!There is nothing greater than the immense love fr ur parents..
Perhaps my traumatic past has hindered my ability to love…I anknowledge his efforts and attempts to make this relationship work..but my heart..it refused to budged..my heart has became a handicap, tht is..for me to fall in love…
Get well soon…I’ll pray for u…
Contrary to my claims of "preservation of beauty till my deathbed", i simply lack e discipline of starving my ass to ditch those excess pounds!!Then again!!my gals r fully aware of my daily ritual of "torture" to get my skin fair and dewy!!oh well, those out there who had been thru tht treacherous, wretched journey of "fuck!!those god-damned zits!!" will applaud my beauty regime!!During e last yr of my poly hey days, those poor skin cells of mine had undergone a tumultuous journey of tanning, exorbitantly priced whitening treatments, microdermabrasion…e list went on…..there would nvr b a day, i would reveal my naked face to the public!!!yep!!!my bloody face looked like a caked up palette of colors(kinda went overboard w eyeshadow!!)angry welts and stubborn scars plagued my miserable looking skin!and!!!!my hair!!!honestly!!!due to numerous bleaching jobs,they resemble hay tht u see in the farms!!so u can pretty much visualise me in tht pathetic state!
Then 2 yrs ago,I enrolled into Nafa Fashion Sch…Somewht this move altered both my beauty and fashion perspective…those who were w me…Till today,they still teased me relentlessly w regards to my horrendous armour make up and ktvesque dress up then(plus a tan tht simply spelled U-G-L-Y)!!!less is more, darlings!!!i switched fr pricey skincare to basic simple ones( Gd moisturisers!!and a fantastic makeup remover oil is vital!!dun stinge on tht)!!…A huge NO NO to foundation!!concealers r for dark eye rings and occasional red bumps!!! Trimmed my otherwise bushy eyebrows!!instant yrs taken away!!!exfoliate!!moisturise!!ALWAYS!!on the neck too!!!it reflects ur age!!yes!!i spent almost an hr in the shower daily just to scrub!!loofah my ass and thighs(just to get rid of stubborn cellulite)!!smear on thick whitening cream on the whole body straight aft shower as the moisture in ur skin accelerate the effects of moisturiser!!wear socks to slp at night!!(despite the heatwave raging in our sunny island!!for vanity’s sake!!my feet r laden w thick cream and wrap like dumplings!!) vast improvements were witnessed within 3 days!!my skin was visibly softer, smoother!!my feet!!!they were like baby skin!!!thanks to pumice stone and socks!!despite me trudging to and fro for hours in heels under the sun!!
my hair??hair mask!!!when conditioning it, stuff ur hair in shower caps!!e heat will accentuate e effects of the whole treatment(everyday)!!!hahah!!for the past few mths!!i bleached and dyed my hair like 4 times!!e state of my mane??"strong and healthy!!!"
Effortlessly simple chic sums up my wardrobe these days…No to minis!!and clevage baring outfits…pumps and wedges…versatile jackets!!high waist belts…tops bearing palette of whites and nudes…bermudas,tailored shorts…
Th above entry was solely written for me..ermmm…as in…i happened to chance upon pics of my past…cringe worthy i tell ya!!frds been telling me hw diff i looked fr e past…mirror mirror!!!yep…just peered into e mirror!!those extra pounds of blubber has to go!!hahahah!!!damn i must wake up earlier to lather my body w whitening cream!!!the sun these days!!arghhh!!!my nails r still brittle due to my anal habits(of washing my hands countlessly and washing the loo!!!i adore clean toilets!!!)my cuticles r screaming for help!!well!!cuticle oil and manicures doesnt help!arghh!!!!
gurlsss!!!sch uniform day is approaching!!we shall rock the town in our sch uniforms!!hit the streets w zero mascara and be kiddos again!!!!oooooooh yeah!!!!!
PS: to detractors!!i do nt claim i have flawless complexion!!in case u guys feel itchy and wanna bitch again!!and NO!!!my face is nt covered w foundation or powder!!its natuarally fair!!peiling’s frds’ been bombarding her at my ridiculous fairness!!!hey CINDY!!!darling!!u must b wondering and must have been perplexed tht u cant grab any pics fr here tht reflected a white face w darker toned body(to throw arrows at and to spam/flame on ur blog!!!!)gorgeous, i took ur advice(as in,i popped by ur blog last yr!!shocked at ur description of me and my part time hobby of scaring pple w my hideous white face!oh ya!!u mentioned i m e ugliest thing u have seen on earth ya??poor u…sorry to place u in tht plight..gee…) and decided to ermmm bleached my body??hahaha!!!duh!!!thanks to nivea!!my skin tone begins to lighten!!and voila!!even skin tone thru out the body!!!i love love love it when i see hate blogs(directed at me of course!)their criticisms are taken w a pinch of salt and somewht e constructive ones made me a better person!!!
Doomsday is fast approaching!!!assessment!!!!!arghh!!!!gotta stop bumming and pull up my socks!!!shopping,shopping,ermm…i m trying here!!!!!